Why Fem Friday: Powerful Women’s Stories and Struggles

Why does a guy tell Fem Friday stories? Do the stories matter? And what can we do together?

After my second Fem Friday, a progressive minister told me that a woman should be writing these stories. I told him that I’m a feminist and intentional representation matters. He then told me being a male feminist is a great way to get laid. I was left speechless and I never got a chance to unpack why I do what I do. I needed out of his locker room.

The fact that a man on the left would say what he said to me confirms what I already know. Misogyny is not just a problem on the right. The locker room doesn’t know party, religion, or any other such thing. I know I’m cut from a different cloth and it is not because I am awesome, but because I had an amazing grandfather and uncle who taught me how to listen to, and be inspired by, women.

When I got that message I had also received some messages from other white people that accused me of pushing “black stuff” down their throats when I wrote about Tina Turner. These two other messages were written by white progressive people who I know for a fact have never faced anything close to what Tina Turner did at the hands of Ike and the recording industry.

I was furious, my emotions were raw and I decided to write about the toughest woman I could think of. Joan Jett. And that reminded me of a woman I met at a Joan Jett concert. Sarah. Fueled by youth and hormones and common traumas we were moving like a freight train towards a relationship that would have been fun, but would not have lasted. But she died in a car accident.

That column was meant to be a screw you to the people who wrote me private messages. Something happened. With my guard down, women responded to the story in a powerful way.

That changed everything and it also changed my why and for a season something amazing happened.

For the first time in my life I got to tell the story that only a few people knew. I used to compartmentalize my life. It used to be easier before the internet. There was my church life, my high school and high school adjacent social circles, and what I called mall life. Working in a mall in the 80’s and early 90’s was a different experience. It was almost like a small enclosed tourist town. Mall life was where I existed most authentically and where I met most of the women who would influence me powerfully.

In mall life I also had trauma and the compartment of religion would manipulate me while my school adjacent community lacked the depth and nuance for me to confide in on a significant level. It is not that they were bad, we were never taught emotional intelligence and the social mores were not always safe spaces.

I got to talk about these women I knew from 1988 through 1991 more deeply and richly than I ever had and women readers identified with these stories and these remarkable women. You saw these women the same way I did. Powerful. Strong. Inspirational. And yes the struggles were herculean. Often times the goddesses lost. But in each of these stories there was a soundtrack. A female musician(sometimes an actor or model).

That connection of artist and inspired woman who fought to live in dystopia connected with you beautifully and I was facing some things I had buried for a long time.

While speaking of these amazing women in mall life, I was reliving religious trauma that I had buried. Old infected wounds were scraped and the bleeding cleanses wounds, but it hurts and it is scary. It was a lot to unpack and I would often be up until 3 or 4 in the morning writing Fem Friday finding the balance between artist, goddess I knew, and processing something going on inside me.

It’s weird facing things that you had not thought of in decades. And as an adult who has a child that is now older than I was when I met these women I see things through an adult and parental eye. Through that lens I think to myself, what the actual fuck?

Most of the women were teenagers or in their early twenties. Same with me. Some of the things they experienced at such an age is incomprehensible.

And as I told these stories many of you identified with them. In the comments section of the articles and in private conversations with me you told your stories. I love, respect, and admire you all so much and am in awe that you trust enough to tell me the things you have.

And here is the darkness in the beauty. The experiences of these women I wrote about were relatable because they are more common than we talk about. This reminder of the realities shook me on a different level…a guilt level. Even though, especially if you read the stories, it is obvious that I was manipulated into Evangelical Christianity, I found a new level of guilt.

My complicity in being a part of the Christian machine that took away Roe, restricts my child’s rights, and made Trump possible was basically shitting on these women who inspired me. I was a part of the mechanism that hurt so many of you who have stories like Sarah, Cassie, Heather, and the others I wrote about.

That is hard for me and by the time we got to the death of one of the women I needed to take a step back and process some shit with my therapist. I was not okay.

This was similar to the guilt I felt when my child came out of the closet. As a youth pastor in the 90’s I used to tell kids the same age as my kid was at the time that being gay is a sin. I was part of something deeply harmful and though I got my head out of my ass a few years before my child came out, I could not get that thought out of my head that I hurt children like my child.

While processing some vintage, yet fresh, wounds (new old stock?) I was not completely myself. That liminal space in between the processing is always messy.

My therapist used your words to offset the guilt and the shame. These are comments to the Fem Friday articles my therapist read to me aloud. These are your stories, your truths, and your kind affirmations to me and women you never met.

“As I have watched my children grow into the young adults they are, I have seen first hand how important pop icons like are to them. I may not have realized back in the 80s how important Lauper and others were to my personal development, but I sure as hell see it clearly today. I see Taylor’s “F*ck the patriarchy” being scream-sung at concerts. I hear my kids and all my bonus kids talking about being inspired by and grateful to artists and celebrities unafraid to stand up and stand out for strength and diversity and rights. I know my kids got only so much of their strength and fire from watching me. They garner just as much from their icons.“-Julie

“This brought back memories for me of my relationship with my own mother. She had her ideals about how I should be. I was to marry a doctor or lawyer or accountant- someone with money and, in her eyes, prestige. When I finally stood up to her and said no as I went off and married an unemployed biker it made a huge dent in our relationship for many years. My marriage is still going strong 38 years later. As I got older I kind of understood where she was coming from – she and my dad grew up in poverty in working class towns in the UK and had worked their way up society’s ranks to be living a reasonably comfortable life in Australia. She didn’t want that struggle for me. But also showed that she thought the only way up in the world for a woman was to marry “well”. There was never that kind of pressure on my 2 brothers!

As Mum got older she mellowed a lot and we had a good relationship when she passed away earlier this year. She also had an ok relationship with my husband by then too; and a couple of years back had requested that he preside at her funeral (he is an Anglican Priest now, still rides a bike).

I like to think that my stance when I married the love of my life was finally respected by her.”–Sue

“It breaks my heart the physical, emotional and verbal abuse Heather had to endure at the hands of people who should have provided her a safe space.

Ah, youth group kids of the 80s. So much to say but I’m afraid it will just cause a proverbial shit storm, so I’ll move on.

On a positive note, I’ve always been a huge fan of Madonna. My all-time favorite song is “Into the Groove”. I always admired how she didn’t let the negativity and opinions of others get in her way. Look at her now, she’s still performing!

On a random note, I did not dress like Madonna in the 1980s. Not because I didn’t appreciate her style but because I knew I wouldn’t be able to pull it off and it would have just been a bad interpretation of the look. Unlike Heather, who totally nailed it! I did have my own style and believe me I endured quite a bit of negative comments from people because of the way I dressed. But I always dressed for myself and what I liked- not for classmates, boyfriends, colleagues, etc., I wasn’t trying to impress others and I did pay the price for it more than once. So to all the people out there who have their own style and express themselves for who they are without apology, I applaud you.”–Maria

“I’m really enjoying your Feminist Friday series! I was deeply inspired by all of your featured women as a teenager. I definitely emulated Madonna’s style for a bit (as much as my mom would let me get away with) and I even dressed up as Cyndi Lauper one Halloween.
The story you’ve accompanied this icon with is my favorite so far. I worked at the Fox Valley Silverman’s too, so I had immediate vivid visuals and recovered memories, which is fun. Mostly though, I’m here to say that upon that day you did Heather right. I’m so glad you were there to help her. “–Kimberly

“Heartbreaking. You had no idea – you had no way of knowing. How could you have known?“-Jennifer

“Reading these words – the vulnerability and insight – was like watching two race horses neck-and-neck at full gallop! I could feel my mind enthralled and amazed.”-Caryn

“I noticed that it was the strong women who were there for you when you needed it most; whilst the church, who should have been there as comforter, saw only an opportunity for manipulation.”–Sue

“I didn’t know my Grandpa well but my father told me a few stories. He suffered serious mental health issues all his life. When he died I found out it was far worse for far longer than I knew. My parents were divorced so we saw him on visits. But my dad I think kept us from him but we did see them sometimes even though they lived far away. Not only was he harmed but my aunt (his sister who died in her 20s) and uncle. I wasn’t raised in that tradition or any faith tradition, I found it later on and that’s another thing. When I hear the trauma and harm caused I think of my dad and those who suffered abuse at home, who maybe even had two abusive parents and nobody to save them. Thank you for just naming that it even happened and that you’re here to tell the stories.“-Beth

Cyndi Lauper, Joan Jett, Debra Harry and all the celebrities I have written about that have inspired are powerful women. They suffered and endured hardships in a “man’s world”. Sarah, Cassie, Catalina, Heather, Jenny and the others I wrote about were powerful young women who also suffered and endured hardships. But the other powerful women? You! The readers who comment and are moved. Teachers, IT specialists, mom’s of children with disabilities, retail workers, dispensary managers, dental industry, HR, and so one. You live as adult women who are powerful, inspirational, and have endured hardships. Some of you who support me are trans women and you do not need me to state the obvious, but I will anyway. You are women!

I stand in awe of all of you. I am sorry for the times that I have joined the cacophony of small men with small minds. For whatever it is worth I always strive to be more and to honor you. Like the women in the arts and the ones I knew in a very special season in my life, you challenge me, inspire me, and teach me just by being you.

The average Fem Friday gets about 200 reads in the first few days. The last few Fem Friday stories are sitting at mid 70’s. And for content that is below 100 I usually move on to something else, but I have a reason I want to try to try to save this idea.

There was one comment I did not share yet. It is part of a long post that was deeply vulnerable and powerful. I have known her since I was in kindergarten. It was a friendship I almost lost once because of the times I have been less. But I owned my shit and she was gracious enough to invite me in. There is one excerpt I need to highlight.

“Keep raising questions. Keep the conversation moving. As the saying goes, “if you see something, say something”. You’re not always going to be a hero. It’s not your job to be the hero. It’s your job to be aware, alert, and do the best you can. Support and compassion are the keys. None of us should have to feel ashamed or alone.”-Deanna

Currently I am mostly speaking to the celebrity and not the daily goddess. What I miss is not the clicks, but I miss the engagement and hearing your stories and insights. I believe in the power of stories. In this third act of the show called life I crave that connection and miss that. It’s why I write and why I do art..the connection.

The “formula” of famous female artist who inspired a woman I knew is exhausted. But there are still more amazing stories of daily goddesses that changed my world and the world of beautiful people I know and love. And there are songs that make me think of them. I am going to dig deeper than I have the last 4 Fem Fridays. I also have take care of my well being, but we have gone through the trauma storm of the two women who’s tragic ends in my life affected me most.

All I am asking of you is three things.

1. Please read Fem Fridays.
2. Let me know what is connecting.
3. Consider contacting me and taking part in a small group/panel of powerful women like you I would like to lean on for advice and insights.

When I was a teenager and young adult I shifted to anti abortion. Used to argue with my grandmother about it. By the time women lost Roe in the wake of Dobbs I was already a feminist and pro choice again. I went into overdrive, hit the streets in demonstrations, and even served as a leader for a time in a group on the frontlines of Abortion rights.

As a survivor of abuse and molestation I know what those two things feels like.

Between having an adult child who is queer and believing in women I took accredited studies to become a certified human rights consultant. Not for money or career opportunities. I wanted to be better equipped to change things. One of the most powerful agents of change is story. And if one day a week we can have an opportunity to share stories, I’m in.

Finally, if there is a mistake I made. If I offended you or hurt your feelings, contact me! I would like to own my actions and earn your time on Fridays. I’ve been a mess the last (place whatever timeframe you want to here) and messy people sometimes make messes, but I like to clean them up and fix things I broke. I am not like the guy who thinks feminism is a great way to get laid.

A few weeks ago I was in a surgical waiting room waiting for someone I love and care about to get out of ovarian surgery. While in the waiting room I saw a nurse I knew decades ago and wrote about in a few Fem Fridays.

Catalina!

I wish I could tell you it was a great interaction. It wasn’t. She saw my deep dive into toxic religion after Sarah died as a betrayal. We had a few conversations after the encounter and she loves the Fem Fridays. But for now the gap cannot be bridged. I am forever grateful for her role in my life and I mourn the loss. But in this time I also reconnected with another woman I wrote about. I shared a conversation we had that was powerful here.

Heather!

In the third act I have to accept the losses and treasure the ones in my life. It is all any of us can do. And if Fem Friday is lost I accept that, but I feel there is more conversation to be had between us.

Life is a series of moments bound together by stories. I’d like to tell more stories on Fridays for a few moments and hear your stories. If Fem Friday had a moment and that was all it is, that is fine. But I’d like to keep the conversation moving like Deanna said.

What do you think?

Dedicated to Erika

Every Feminist Friday is Dedicated to my friend Erika!

Erika died on Christmas leaving behind a family that has immediate needs.

Click here to read the story of how Erika saved my life when we were teenagers.

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