The Devastating Impact of Christian Courtship in the 80s

Could one movement solidify rape culture? Did the movement also hurt countless queer teens? And could losing your virginity outside of marriage forever ruin your future marriage? If we are talking about Christian youth courtship in the 80’s that led to purity culture that answer is yes.

Courtship found a revival in many Christian churches in the 80’s. It also experienced a new definition grounded in what they viewed as Christian principles seeped in a specific interpretation of the Bible.

Christian Theologian Scott Croft, in the book ‘Sex and the Supremacy of Christ’ defined Courtship as follows:

“Courtship ordinarily begins when a single man approaches a single woman by going through the woman’s father, and then conducts his relationship with the woman under the authority of her father, family, or church, whichever is most appropriate. Courtship always has marriage as its direct goal… Dating, a more modern approach, begins when either the man or the woman initiates a more-than-friends relationship with the other, and then they conduct that relationship outside of any oversight or authority. Dating may or may not have marriage as its goal.”

In Christian homeschool communities and youth groups there was a popular acronym called CARE:

Commitment to Marriage
Accountability
Rejection of secular dating philosophy
Establishing physical boundaries

In all of this the father was a guardian of the daughter’s chastity/virginity. Young people were not dating as a selfish pursuit, it was a service to God with the intention of finding your spouse. The church community ensured you were accountable to supervision that often included the youth pastor and church involved in your dating life and ensuring you were not alone, at dances, and sometimes you had accountability couples and supervision on your dates.

At the core of this was a commitment to sexual purity and all of this only applied to straight cisgender teens. Queer youth were seen as abominations and need not apply or attend.

On the high level the most common practices were you were not allowed to court until you were of a certain age.

The person you courted had to also be a Christian. In many cases this meant the person had to either be in the same denomination or even same church. Other churches or denominations may not have a proper understanding of the Bible and be tainted by Satan and secular culture.

Dates had to be in public spaces and either have a double dating component or supervision. Many times there were prohibited events. Public school dances, movie theaters, and other common things were restricted as they could lead to temptation.

And speaking of temptation. You could not have sex until you were married and you had to avoid situations that could invite sexual desire. This included holding hands, kissing, or touching in many cases.

Before things get dark, lets talk about one of the most cringeworthy events of the 80’s. The Christian Prom Alternative! No dancing, no lust, and Godly AF! You and your date would get dressed up in all the same clothing conventions you would wear at a high school prom, ensuring of course all the girls were in modest dresses, and meet at the church. The “prom” would occur in either the church fellowship hall or you would be whisked away in a church bus to an alternative location.

With adult supervision you would have a substandard dinner and entertainment. The entertainment would often be a Christian comedian who would swiftly turn the lame comedy into a sermon. After that there would be worship to god and an opportunity to rededicate your heart to Jesus and there would be a time to pray about maintaining purity as you seek your spouse.

After that, you went home.

There are two instances in my life that have remained with me over the decades.

Linda

Shortly after graduation from High School, a girl from my youth group was raped by the nephew of our youth pastor. Her name was Linda and we were friends and often on the verge of being sweethearts. It happened in the church. She told me about it and I was horrified and wanted to kick the guy’s ass. She told the youth pastor what happened and he dismissed her.

The youth pastor decided that this was not rape and Linda was the temptress in this situation, if it even happened. She never should have been alone with him and she tempted him with her feminine wiles leaving the young man helpless to her Jezebel spirit. His nephew would go on to sexually assault two other teenage girls in the church and get away with it each time.

The only thing that ended the streak was the nephew stole the youth pastor’s checkbook and ordered pizza. The pizza delivery man was a member of the church and told the youth pastor about the fraudulent check. His precious nephew raped three girls and it was always the girl’s fault. Criminal sexual assault of minors happened under the watchful eye of the youth pastor and the church, but a $10 check was all that mattered.

Rachel

The other incident happened under my watch in the second church I was a youth pastor at. I was approaching my mid 20’s and was a youth pastor of a swiftly growing church. Rachel, a 17 year old girl and senior in high school, got pregnant. Her parents were not happy about the circumstances, but they supported Rachel and let her make the choices as to what would happen next. Abortion, adoption, or having and keeping the baby with their assistance.

Rachel chose to have the baby and keep it. Rachel and her parents met with me and let me know the situation. As far as I was concerned there was no situation. Her parents supported her, we were a pro-life church, and a precious life was soon to enter the world with support and love.

A few weeks after this, I was called by one of the Elders and asked to attend an important closed door session at the church office.

I showed up and the church office. Present was one of the elders and the senior pastor. The senior pastor appeared uncomfortable and would not make eye contact. The church elder, spoke.

“Pastor Pat,” Chuck the elder started. “The church board had a meeting about Rachel and have decided that she is no longer allowed to the youth group services and events.”

“Why?” I had asked alarmed.

“Her soon to be swollen belly will be a bad witness to the other girls and invite the boys into temptation.” Chuck said in a cold and even tone as pastor Frank shifted in his chair uncomfortably and would not make eye contact.

“But,” I started to plea on her behalf, “she made a mistake. Yeah. But she’s having the baby and her family supports her. She needs her community of friends and this could be a great example to the kids of grace.” I was about to go on, but Chuck held up his hand gesturing me to stop.

“Pat.” Chuck said without the word pastor. “This is not a dialogue. The matter has already been voted on. Rachel and her parents will be here shortly and we will be informing them of the situation and your role in discipleship for proper restoration.”

Now I was angry. “You voted on a child!” I said with a slightly elevated voice.

“We voted on an issue, Pat.” Chuck said this firmly and spoke down to me.

“You voted on a child!” I said more firmly and loudly. Then I looked at the senior pastor hoping for his back up. “Frank?” Pastor Frank continued to stare at his desk. “Frank! Say something. Look at me.” He didn’t look up.

Chuck sighed deeply. “Pat. They are going to be here in a few minutes. The matter is closed. Can we move on to your role in the meeting and her restoration?”

I stood up, reached into my pants pocket, and tossed my copy of the church keys on the desk in front of Frank and left the office without a word. As I walked toward my car, Rachel and her family pulled up. They got out all smiles and greeted me. Her father could see something was wrong and asked if I was okay. I told them what just happened, what was about to happen, told them I quit, hugged them all, got in my car, and drove off unemployed. They got back in their car and left as well.

All four of us were shunned and members of the church were banned from having communication with any of us.

Children are still being harmed in churches, home-school environments, and Christian schools. In the mid 90’s Christian courtship culture evolved into Purity Culture. Purity culture is even worse and you can read more about that in the following link from Grrrl. https://grrrlhub.com/lifestyle/women-empowerment/the-harmful-things-purity-culture-teaches-women/

The psychological community and survivors of Christian courtship and purity culture now know that young people who lived this have had long-lasting impacts on mental health. It has led to religious trauma syndrome and had made many feel ashamed of their bodies, sexuality, and gender identity. These long lasting traumas have affected many into their 30’s and 40’s and beyond.

Body shame, sexual shame, repression of healthy expression of orientation and gender identities, and a lifetime of sexual and relational dysfunction of just some of the things that haunt victims of survivors of this aspect of church culture and religious trauma.

Many Gen X and Millennials have felt a lifetime of trauma and pain and we are already seeing an impact on Gen Z and Alpha. I wish I could tell you that I see an end to this abuse of children. I don’t.

If you have children or grandchildren, they are being invited to Churches that commit to this ethic today. They have mastered the art of recruitment and manipulation to their mindset. Part of that sometimes includes convincing them their secular families or families of a different belief are part of a Satanic plot to undermine their souls. These are not cults and compounds in rural corners of the world. They are large mainstream denominations and independent trendy churches in your community.

We need to support children and give them healthy ideas and expressions of sex, sexuality, gender and consent.

You may have an adult neighbor or coworker or relative who is still in this culture and is a victim of abuse. I have known and currently know women who are continued victims of spousal rape at the hands of their husbands. They are convinced they have a wifely duty to their husbands. I know a woman who told me that 3 of her 5 children were not by her choice or volition of will. It was a demand by her husband.

Finally, as you encounter seemingly deluded and dangerous Christians online saying horrible things about women and queer people and see extreme behavior of high profile churches and Christians in the news, I hope there is understanding. We cannot condone their behavior, but we also have to remember that many of these people were manipulated, as I was, to believe and espouse these things. It goes beyond memes and there is an insidious and cultural threat that needs to be addressed, not just one person in a flame war.

I encourage you to take what you read here and research the matter more. Study rape culture, purity culture, signs of abuse, and pay attention to Christian engagement in your local school districts and ballot box. Education and information takes longer to read than a meme, but we cannot pull weeds until we know what a weed is, what it does, and how it affects the garden of love.

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